Starting to freak

I have no idea how I will pay my bills after June 30th. Will I have health insurance? Should I just apply to Wal-Mart now?

Productivity

Accomplished a bunch of things this weekend. Ironed on the Superhero logos the kids at work designed for their t-shirts (8 of them), made a sea shell wreath from an idea I got at the Christmas Tree Shops, while I had the glue gun out, I repaired a Christmas ornament that had gotten busted, did three loads of laundry (have yet to put it away), sorted three boxes of books for Dad to take to a garage sale, typed a couple pages of some writing. I finished two books: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - The Lightning Thief and Symptoms of Withdrawl by Christopher Kennedy Lawford, put a ton of laundry from last week away, did dishes (have more of those to do), cleaned out the refridgerator, and organized some bookshelves.

Go me!

7,044

I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

Generousity

So, as part of my crazy plot for turning 35, I decided to walk a 5K with a good friend of mine to raise money for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and do something healthy for me. A total win-win.

As part of the training, I was required to raise $500. The deadline is May 24th. I was starting to panic but after a mass email to everyone in my address book, and pleas on Facebook, I have surpassed my $500 goal!!!!

It amazes me the people who contributed, friends from Kindergarten, my family, high school, work collegues, my Boston friends that I pilfered from my cousin. It's a nice feeling to be supported in something so important.

I cannot than them enough.

6,008

Getting there. Stuck at the moment trying to make a situation plausible. Yanks beat the Mets, Phillies beat the Sox but the Twins are kicking Brewer Ass.

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Thank the Yankees/Red Sox for those few hundred words. I decided to type some thoughts I had on this story in my journal. Go Sox! Thought for a while there that it was a repeat of yesterday's game. But this time Paplebon held on. Poor Mo thought.

Now it is totally past my bedtime.

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Guess I have stalled out a bit. In my defense, I was out of town with my sisters and my mom, note the rant on my sister driving me crazy. It was a good weekend though. I got more reading finished on "The Happiness Project" but Gretchen Rubin. I am almost finished with "Symptoms of Withdrawl" by Christopher Kennedy Lawson. I did finish "Percy Jackson and the Olympians - The Lightning Thief." I liked it, although I saw many similarities to the Harry Potter series (not nearly as annoying as all the similarities between the "Twilight Saga" and the series "True Blood" Series, it was a quick read with lots of action. I liked all the references to Greek Mythology, I vaguely remember reading some of it back in school.

I like children's literature, so sue me. It was nice to see in "The Happiness Project" that I am not the only one. I have read the Princess Diary Series, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, anything by Mike Lupica, The Twilight Saga, anything by S. E. Hinton, and classics like Little Women (series), and Anne of Green Gables (series).

Yes, Ma'am

Okay, I need help. I have two pet-peeves. Okay, so I have more than two but these two really get me going.

My sister is twelve years older than me, she works as a secretary, so she is really big on manners and customer service. I have a customer service background as well, but I also am huge on the correct use of language.

My sister says "Ma'am" to EVERYONE. It drives me crazy. When she is being waited on my a nineteen year old waitress it seems rude to me to call the girl "Ma'am" when you're old enough to be her mother. Maybe I am just sensitive, or perhaps this country has become lax in its grammar (duh! not the US!). Wikipedia says that "Ma'am" is acceptable for all adult women and that Miss is only for the really young. My skin crawls whenever anyone calls me "Ma'am," unless I am old enough to be their mother, then while I may not enjoy it, I at least understand it. My sister is adamant about using it in EVERY instance she comes across, mostly I think she is just trying to piss me off.

My other pet peeve, is that when she sees something, a pair of shoes, a stuffed animal, a dress, she says "That's cuteness!" First of all, she uses it constantly so it's grating, but it's also an incorrect grammatical use of the word.

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Despite the road bump I hit looking for the elusive papers I was looking for, I got quite a bit written today. I'll try for another 1,000 tomorrow.

Imaginary Things

I just spent an hour and a half going through every back up disk, flash drive, hard drive, scrap of paper and notebook in my apartment searching for a story I could have sworn I started a while back. I have scenes from said story in my head but I cannot find a lick of it anywhere tangible, so I guess it is from scratch I go. I should have gone to bed 2 hours ago. Argh!

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Slow and steady wins the race.

I have so many things to do today but I am working the writing mojo right this second. Go me!

Scrapped one, started another

See, ADD, I tell you. I scrapped "An Unorganized Life" - it's too much like a memoir and I'm not ready for that. I still have SOS and Swinging for the Fences, plus Queen of Diamonds and Jared. But I am working on something I vaguely remember writing once before. It's set in Cape Cod, someone trying to find their way, torn between two guys.

1,343 words so far.

more

231 more words, very little direction

Writing Books

I picked up Maeve Binchey's Writer's Club (or something to that effect) the other day. I always liked her books. I've probably one read 2 or 3, but one of them was Circle of Friends, which I LOVED. I've read it 3 or 4 times.

That's the problem, once I find a book I love, I am happy to read it over and over again. I've read the 7 Harry Potters at least 3 times each, same for the Twilight Saga, The Outsiders, Les Miserables, Little Women, Anne of Green Gables. They're all like old friends I like to visit with. There is comfort in it.

I have enough unread books I've bought over the years to have my own library. I buy but often resort to the re-read. OR I have 7 different books going at once and nothing gets finished in a timely fashion.

Guess it explains why I never finish any of the writing I start.

An Unorganized Life

716 words in 30 minutes. Not a bad start.

What does it say about me?

That I read more books about writing a book than I actual write... Hmmm....

5 Favorite Titles This Week...

1. Someone to Love - Jefferson Airplane
2. Ever Fallen in Love - The Buzzcocks
3. Tired of Waiting - The Kinks
4. You Can't Always Get What You Want - Rolling Stones
5. Need You Now - Lady Antebellum

Being the Dumb Mouse Again

So, I watched "He's Just Not That Into You" last night. It was like a light bulb. Things I knew but refused to acknowledge. If he wanted to be with me, he would. He would call me. That I over-analyze and look for "signs."

I need to let it go and move on.

5 Favorite Titles This Week...

Come on Get Higher - Sugarland
Girlfriend - Matthew Sweet
Cradle and All - Ani Difranco
Sweetness - Chris Decker
Baby Girl - Charles Kelley

Great Combination

Sure... add caffeine, zero sense of time, and Daylight Savings Time and I don't know my night from my day anymore.

Oddities

On my drive home today I saw a BMW with a Domino's Pizza delivery sign on top...

So, when I got out of work today, I went to the mall and walked ~2 miles. Go me. It felt good. Of course I then followed it up with a bagel & maple cream cheese & small French Vanilla coffee @ Bruegger's. I did put Splenda in my coffee tho. :-)

Still reading The Happiness Project. I am up to May. Lots of great insights and things to think about, like how my attitude affects others.

One of my resolutions is to do one social thing a month. Something I organize and follow through on. January was the annual Trival Pursuit Party. Decent turn out, good food and beverage. We've had wall to wall people some years and just Jen, Eric & me one year. This was in the middle. I got to show off my new digs. Which lent itself to The Happiness Project. I worked on having my environment organized. I still have a ways to go though.

February will bring a Madison Handbag Party. I know what you're thinking, a frivolous party in the wake of losing my full time employment status. And the few "tutoring" gigs I lined up are not going to really help pay the bills, they'll help but I need more substance in my finances. But, it's fun and I promised my friend I would have it. It affects her livelihood as well. And she was such a HUGE help to me in my job loss that I can't not do it. Plus, it gets me social again.

I have a hard time with social. I get anxious, even when it's something I am looking forward to. And rationally I know I will enjoy myself once immersed in the activity, but it's the getting there that is hard for me. I attempted therapy and I LOVED it but the $15 co-pay for each visit made it impossible. Instead I blog for free.

Losing Momentum

Trying... trying hard. Haven't really made any headway on the seeking employment part gut I did get an idea for a writing project. It combines two things I am an "expert" on: baseball & hearing loss. Now if I could just stay awake long enough to go to bed instead of falling asleep on the couch while watch TV. 2 nights, 2 crime dramas, 2 missed solutions. Grrr....

Some cheese...

okay, so how much of a geek am I that I totally ADORED One Tree Hill's tribute to John Hughes' 80's movies? Sixteen Candles & Breakfast Club are two of my all time favs, Pretty in Pink is up there as well. It was neat to see them woven into the OTH story lines. And James Lafferty makes a decent Jake Ryan. :-)

Yup, it"s Monday...

Slept horribly last night so I let myself sleep in 15 minutes... got stuck in traffic & was late.... then spent the morning running to catch up. But now I am home and there are endless possibilities.

readers

apparently the trick to getting people to read your blog is to tell people about it... I'm working on it. I had a blog forever where I would write my thoughts but this one is different. Where I would whine in the other one, I will not do that here. I will face my challenges head on and embrace change.

February 1st

Start of a new era...

Here are five of my favorite tunes right this moment:

Use Somebody - Kings of Leon

Need You Now - Lady A

Toes - Zac Brown Band

Tennessee Line - Daughtry

I'm Alive - Kenny Chesney & Dave Matthews

The Happiness Project

Years ago, my friend Chris used to play guitar and sing around the area. He was fun and zany and talented. I remember sitting outside The Big House while he played "Happy Hour." It was an oxymoron. Chris was a moody rocker trying to make a living playing gigs, driving an old minivan and carrying his CDs in a rusted Budweiser Cooler he found on the porch of the last apartment he moved into. We decided he played "Anti-Happy Hour." Being happy was over-rated and lame. We were young and angst was our right.

A year or two ago I became obsessed with self-help type reading material. I got subscriptions to Woman's Day and Real Simple and Everyday with Rachael Ray. I started a notebook where I would make idyllic notes and lists and things I thought would change my life. Ways to save money, lose weight, get over my social anxiety. The list was endless. It was in one of these publications that I first heard of The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin (bonus is that she wrote a book about JFK). I read the blurb and thought him... I had already attempted to read Sanity Savers by Dr. Dale Atkins but that got sidetracked by the whole career derailment. I had also started YOU on a Diet! by Dr. Oz and friends. Like I needed one more book by a self absorbed narcissist. (I never did finish Julie & Julia b/c quite frankly Julie annoyed the hell out of me.)

But whilst killing time waiting for my job change to become official, I popped into Borders. I picked up The Happiness Project and perused it for a minute or two before deciding to promptly by it and a day by day agenda. I wanted to be happy dammit! I wanted to know how to go forward without crawling up in a hole and wanting to die. Could I really afford another book with the shelves and shelves I already owned that went un-read while I continuously re-read my tattered copies of Harry Potter 1 - 7 & the Twilight Saga. I could happily lose myself in those worlds and be happy there. As much as I love those books I get mad at myself for how readily I will re-read them instead of picking up something new. And like I said I have shelves and shelves of NEW. In some ways it's the same feeling I get whenever my best friend & I explore the Metropolitan Museum of Art in NYC. My favorites are the impressionists. Whenever I go there it's like greeting old friends. These stories & characters are old friends whom I love to get lost with.

I've digressed. The Happiness Project. It's what I need in this time of personal turmoil. It's practical, insightful and easy to read. I am currently reading April and looking forward to the other 8 months of the year. I want to read the book before I check out her blog or anything. I want to absorb it. I have Post-It Flags and markers to highlight things I find important or connections I make.

It ties in to my SUNSHINE, HAPPINESS, & BUNNIES mantra.

I've been telling everyone - my mother, co-workers, friends, myself that I will begin the job hunting process on February 1st. That's tomorrow. 40 minutes away to be exact.

I am looking forward to the challenge. I embrace the change. Whatever happens next, I will be better for it. One of Gretchen Rubin's philosophies is to "act how you want to feel." Typically, not a "rainbows & kittens" person, I want to act happy. This week, a teacher from my town, the mother of two, part of a decent family, beloved by her students jumped off a bridge. I don't want to go down that path. I have been on it before and I made it through but not without some bumps & scrapes. I want to be thankful for what I do have and not mourn what I lost. I want to believe that God won't ever give me anything I can't handle and that the "light at the end of the tunnel" is something worth waiting for.

Sunshine, Happiness & Bunnies

As we begin the second month of this new year, that has become my mantra. I spent New Year's Eve & New Year's Day crying my eyes out because I couldn't be the one place I wanted most in the world. Every NYE for nine consecutive years, I have left my real life 2 1/2 hours behind to spend the night living the life I wanted to live.

Not making much sense am I? I started this blog as a reaction to my attempt to read Julie & Julia this summer. I've had a blog for years but I wanted to create one I felt passionate about. Writing is my passion.

But what good is passion when you have the attention span of a gnat in a produce aisle?

Since I was twelve years old I have wanted to live in Boston. Can't explain it, then 10 years ago I started visiting my cousin and becoming friends with his friends and well, I could picture myself there. My only two obstacles have been the need to be close to my parents who will be 75 this year and the cost of living. I've never been good with money.

After spending most of the first weekend of 2010 completely depressed and bitter, I decided it was up to me whether or not to grab 2010 by the balls or not. I "put on a happy face", made a plan, made a budget and when I went back to work on January 4th I was in a REALLY good place.

I listened to a friend vent about her financial status and remember remarking that I was in a good place but that could change at a moment's notice. I had moved over the summer to a cheaper apartment that I adore, I had paid off 3 smaller credit card debts, still have 3 more big ones to go but for the first time in YEARS, I felt like I had made a dent. I was going to be more social and get myself in shape for my friend's wedding in November. It was all good.

Then on January 5th, I was called in to the principal's office and everything went to hell. Due to a population change in my specialty, it was with budgetary concerns that they were cutting my job to .6 but I could still keep my benefits.

Calm. I was calm. I dreaded telling my parents as we had been down this road six years earlier. I called my sister who tried to be optimistic. How would I pay my bills? I just had figured out a plan, I had no money in savings and I was proud of the fact that while I always accepted any handouts my parents offered, I had never had to ask them for money, no matter what debt I was in, I managed it on my own.

Okay, so 40% less money. Ouch. I took a day before I told my parents and after them, I told my landlords, friends of a friend who happened to be ready for a tenant right when I was dying to move. They took it in stride and said they weren't worried, but I wanted to make sure they heard it from me before something got posted on Facebook.

After January 5th, I spent a few days bitter and angry. I was annoyed with the whole situation but I wasn't really looking past January 29th, my last full day. I spent the days informing parents, meeting with administration and working diligently on a schedule that would please everyone. It was frustrating, painful and disheartening. But I took it all in stride. And with the exception of one meeting with administration tainted by PMS and the annoying trait I have of crying when frustrated, I haven't cried at all.

I got the "it's not personal" equivalent of it's not you, it's me in a break up. I know that this is not due to my performance because I am good at my job. I am confident in that. I like my job, sure there are ups & downs but I like what I do and I am getting better at it every year. I like learning and seeing my kids make progress, even if it's a small step.

So after going throw the 5 stages of grief in 19 days, I decided that the only person that can make me miserable is ME. Part of me looks at this as an opportunity to try something new, something better, something I wouldn't have tried because I'd grown comfortable in my job and home. The friends I have are friends I've had forever and my usual new year's resolutions to try new things usually get waylaid by monetary concerns (i.e. ball room dance lessons - which I LOVED but couldn't afford so rather than face them, I just stopped going).

On January 24th, I decided that I wanted to back to the GOOD PLACE I had been in on January 4th. I liked her and that feeling.

Driving home from work everyday last week I drove past a digital church sign: The best way to get even is to forget. I could do that. I wouldn't go out of my way to be accommodating and flexible like I always had been but I didn't have to be a bitch either. I could find common ground. Like they say, "Smile, it makes other people wonder what you're up to."

I found myself explaining to someone who hadn't realized about my job situation that I was letting it go, I was tired of whining and bitching, from now on I was going to be SUNSHINE, HAPPINESS, & BUNNIES. They laughed but I found myself realizing I meant it. I want to be happy.

It just so happens that someone important to me decided to quit his job. I told him that he was brave. He recognized that it was making him miserable. I would have never had the courage to do that. I would have just continued to do what I was doing until I couldn't do it anymore because I never considered looking at other options. Ironically our last days coincided.